Taryn. 22. Femme queer lady. Canadian. Taken. Working her dream job just outside Toronto. 2020 Olympic dreams.

I’m just feeling a lot of emotions right now

The other day I phoned my mom for the first time in about a month. I don’t really call her because we never really talk about anything. But I’m heading home to see her and the rest of my family next week so I thought it would be important to give her a call. My birthday is on July 3, which is right in the middle of my stay there so my mom asked me what I wanted and I honestly don’t know. I pretty much have all the material posessions I desire right now and don’t feel the need to collect any more. One thing I have noticed I need though, is a new riding helmet because mine is a bit too small now and has some superficial scratches so I want to donate it to a lesson program. 

I told my mother this and she said, “Why? It’s not like you’re riding.”

Soon after, I hung up the phone. Her words still sting when I think of them and write them out because although my mother and I haven’t had a good relationship for the past few years, the one thing that brings us together is horses. And her comment made me feel like she had given up on my dream.

Add this to all of the other family stuff I have going on at the moment and I’m a giant ball of emotion. I just really need a big, squishy hug. I need someone to tell me that I can do this, that right now is just temporary and I will get back to riding. But I feel like my mom is no longer the person I can expect that from.